With This in Mind, Again ~ “findings” by Rhea

I often wonder while living my life ~ this ordinary life ~ do I, or even can I, fully worship, love, and obey in truth my God and Father, the One who dwells on a plane I can’t with the frailty of my human thoughts, begin to comprehend?  I can only reach out with my whole being, and embrace by faith the essence and spirit of His holiness.  I cradle in my heart the love I feel for the saving grace of His son.

I long to know if I please Him; I know He loves me, but I am concerned because all my spiritual thoughts are activated by my human mind.  I don’t want to miss any mark; my salvation is secure, but my Christian growth, now that is another thing… I must and do hold tightly to the scriptures and take my prayers to Him; there in that private place, I lay them down.

In this season of my spiritual journey, I only know one way to live, that being said I must be honest and relate to you there are times my feet slip from the right path for a heartbeat or two, or three, maybe four.  It seems knowing and doing are not synonymous.  I’m a bit (a lot) like the stalwart Paul as he describes himself in Romans 7:14-20 ~

14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not.  Isn’t this also your experience?”  Yes.  I’m full of myself ~ after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison.  What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.  So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for me and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more!  For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!  I realize that I don’t have what it takes.  I can will it, but I can’t do it.  I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.  My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions.  Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.  (The Message)

So with this in mind…

Dusk arrives early in the winter’s eve, between twilight and nightfall.  I am ready for it; I need the heavy weight of quilts and flannel to erase the day from my bones, and wrap me in the quiet of nothingness, to relax my anxious heart.  Prayer prepares my mind for slipping away for a while, to rest, to dream, to float for a time only in His care.

Deep in the night I often awaken, and find it is a time to give thanks; I am comfortable; I am warm and in this moment, at peace.  I breathe in His presence with thanksgiving as my lashes drift back down to my cheeks, and the world slows around me once again.

Dawn arrives with a slight yellow streak in the east painted above the horizon, which is a mixture of both earth and sky.  The lower skyline is made uneven with lumbering, heavy, blackened clouds and the dark silhouette of dense upward reaching tree limbs tangle with heavenly shadows.  Day is near.  Time to praise a sweet Halleluiah to a protective Father who watched during the night and now is my guide for the day.

How I need His touch even before my feet touch the floor!  I ask and receive as I give my day to Him.  This world can move and sway and take me with it in so many ways.  I need the strength of the Lord; I want Him as a constant companion, I must hold the hem of His robe.  You may call me dependent; I surely am; for all my thoughts; for direction, and for relying on Him to carry my burdens, He can have them all.  There are times when I have to pry my bound fingers, heart, and will loose of fear’s grasp, but when He does it for me,
I become truly free, so at ease, happy, and content.

Daily life with Jesus is good: He is happiness; He is joy; He is excitement for today, and tomorrow.  He is salvation, the tear wiper, and the wounded heart healer.  He re-molds the broken and re-shapes the distorted.  He is the sin destroyer.  He understands me so well.  I can know Him.  Yet, He is mystery.

I pay such a price when I choose to walk through the day my way.  What blessing did I miss; what new thing will I never know?  Will my life spin away many days or years to arrive in a place I could have reached before noon on that day, on this day?  I repent and am deeply sorry for my loss and for the glory my obedience would have brought to the One who held my day in His hand, in just the right way, so tenderly, so right, and I, with a casual decision, tossed it… it is gone.

“Thank You God, for Your provision, for Your never veering love, for allowing me back on the path, for new directions, and righteous conclusions, while guiding me, one way or another, to where I should be.”  Yes, even when I err, He still wants me, and “Oh God, do I ever want You!”

Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud.  A new power is in operation.  The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. Romans 8:1b-2 (The Message)

Now, with this in mind…

It is now, the end of another ordinary day, an ordinary day of “knowing and doing,” of  “spiritual filling and re-filling,” of  “repentance and blessings.”  I find I have no words left to say, and no need to say them.  I have none, none at all… just a whisper, “Amen.”


{Editor’s note: originally published 2/26/2014}

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