I wanted to write you a letter, to let you know I have been where you are, so I don’t judge you. I am not disappointed in you, just for you. I want your life to be free of the complications and pain that are avoidable. God wants you to know that He understands; He knows you have been lied to… He wants you to know that all things are redeemable in Him and that He is ever near to you. He is able.
We both know that you just wanted his affection, his love: That look in his eye that says you are his and he is yours. The touch that communicates there is no one else that matters. The strength on his frame that will defend you and also gently embrace you. You just wanted to please him, to urge him to spend time with you. You just wanted him to think about you as often as you think about him.
Your stomach does flip-flops and you lose your breath when he is near… Why is it so easy for him, how can he be so confident? You try to ignore the way he belittles you in front of his friends; you are sure he doesn’t really mean it anyway. The more you give yourself away to him, the less he seems to need you, but maybe he just has things on his mind. He has all kinds of reasons not to spend time with you and your parents, but you need to understand that he isn’t comfortable in those kinds of situations. You have seen his folks before at a game or two, and they don’t seem entirely excited about your relationship with their son; well, they have never taken a picture of the two of you, and you haven’t overheard them saying how cute you are together. He doesn’t seem to worry about what’s important to you, only the quick gratification that he wants right before he drops you off at home so he can go out with his friends…
So, you try harder. You give more. You are doing things now that you said you never would. You are acutely aware of your flaws like never before, and feel as though you must save this relationship at all costs because no one else would ever want you. You wonder why you are so lucky to have a guy like this and you will give all that you are to make it work. You stopped listening to your mom, your best friend, and that stupid little voice in your head that kept telling you to stop, that he’s not worth it. You know you really aren’t all that your parents made you out to be when you were younger; they have to say those things, they are your parents after all. You’d be lucky to find a boy now if you didn’t have this relationship. Besides, to fail at this isn’t an option; you’ve given him everything, you need him, he knows you better than anyone, maybe he’s just distracted. You can do it, you can make him love you like you love him. You just need a little more time and you know you can change him.
Really? Is that the kind of garbage that has been rolling around in your head?
I know, you think no one understands… But, I’ll tell ya… You didn’t write the book on this, Sweet Girl. The enemy did, and this letter is a humble attempt to debunk his lies and shed some much needed light on his destructive and poisoned love story.
Honestly Sis, we can all lose ourselves… it is the costly price of insecurity, and not knowing who we are in Christ. We lose sight of our significance and genuine worth, and it becomes easy to let ourselves be used, humiliated, squelched, and stepped on. We do it in the name of selflessness and giving, but really, it is only fear. The fear of being alone, and believing the lie that we are defined by who we are with. Don’t be misled by wishful thinking! This is not suffering for Christ! It is timidity and being too cowardly to stand for His Truth. The Truth that we are His, valued, chosen, set apart… cherished.
Why don’t we believe it? Because we don’t really know Him, and we don’t really trust Him to be who He says He is. We settle for less than His best for us, because we haven’t learned to see ourselves the way He sees us. We haven’t taken the time to get to know Him and fall in love with Him. We don’t yet recognize Him as the Lover of our souls, the redeemer of our minds, hearts, and lives; the One who will never desert us, never take advantage of us, and never harm us.
Who else is there that knows every detail of your thoughts, even the low-down, filthy ones (yes, we all have them), and still wants to be there with you in the center of it all? Who else knows what your breath smells like in the morning and still wants to hold you and help your heart to rest? Who else sees beyond the flaws and tear-made raccoon eyes, and finds beauty to be enraptured with? Only our Lord. Only the One Who gives us breath and life, and desires our attention and a relationship of real depth. Dear One, He wants you to know the joy of being truly known and loved exactly the way you are… because you are lovely.
There is only One in Whom we can be defined, and that is God. But instead, you have tried to fill the need and void in your heart with human flesh and failings. And so, your self-esteem has become flawed as well, actually, in the toilet, to be more accurate. Your self-esteem can only be truly secure and assured through the certain, abiding, and unshakable love of Christ.
So, what is the good news in all of this? You don’t have to lose the thrill of knowing and loving the boy. Instead of becoming a disappointment, the man in your life becomes the icing on your cake of life. The expectation of him to save your heart and be your all is off of his back. You are now free to enjoy him for who he is, not what you want and think you need him to be. You will no longer need him to make you feel good about yourself because you can already be confident in who you are. This confidence comes because you can know in the depths of your heart that you are complete in Christ and know your true worth. These truths can make us all much better girlfriends, fiancées and wives, because our expectations will lie in the One who can meet them, Christ.
Don’t get the idea that I am calling that boy of yours, “bad”… I am sure it is true that “we teach people how to treat us.” We are all flesh, and by nature we are self-serving and look for shortcuts. We do as little as possible to get what we want. Isn’t that what you have inadvertently taught your fella ~ that it is OK to do, through your attempts to please? Not that we shouldn’t be selfless and loving, but those that truly love us will never ask for more than we are ready or able to give.
A man of integrity will see a woman’s worth and opt to revere her by protecting her virtue, even if he will not be the man that ultimately wins and relishes it. Wouldn’t you rather wait for that kind of love in a man and experience true love in Christ, instead of settling for this game that is being played with your heart? Yes, even now, after what you have lost, there is still so much to gain. God celebrates restoration and in Him there are always new beginnings and second chances. Rest in Him and wait for the blessing that He has in store for your life. Put your hand in His, your heart in His safekeeping, and begin to take a look at yourself from His perspective. You are lovely, you are whole, and you are His.
All my love,