We all have Goliaths in our lives that we need to let Jesus take down. I am no stranger to anxiety and depression, but paralyzing fear and panic was something new and it seemed to come out of nowhere. It stood like a defiant foe, an unbeatable giant standing in the middle of my battlefield, taunting me to come and fight. Day in and day out, it would mock me and knock me down. How would I fight it? I didn’t think I could, so I stood on the sidelines of my life shaking and barely able to walk out the front door of my house. Going to church, being in crowds of people or doing many of things I enjoy, all seemed like impossible tasks, until Jesus came to my battlefield.
Slowly, one small step at a time, I began to walk in step with Him again holding on to Isaiah 43:1-3:
But now thus says the LORD, He who created you, O Jacob,
He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.
I got into the Word. I got back into church community but still, even as I stood firmly with Jesus, the fear continued to rage on inside of me. One of the ways this came out was an unbearable fear of singing. This might seem like a small thing, but I love to sing and to worship, and when you are in the choir on stage in front of the whole church congregation having a full on panic attack, this is more than a little issue. I couldn’t bear to sing without a friend beside me, singing with me for support. So often, everything in me wanted to make a run for the door and never come back. This is a problem that went on for nearly a year, not only with singing, but with many other things. Fear had a grip on me and I couldn’t shake it off, but God has been in the battle with me, and with Him, I could face it down one day at a time. Each choir practice was an opportunity to believe Jesus was greater than the fear. Every time I sang in the church service, it was another chance to worship despite how I was feeling. I could not control my body’s biological instincts resulting from the panic, but I could control my response to it. My only job was so be faithful in the face of the fear ~ to choose faith, believing Jesus to be greater than all that was making me so terrified. I had to walk out on that battlefield towards my giant with Jesus as He began to pick up the three small stones with which He was going to knock my Goliath down.
As part of a response to Covid-19 separation, our church urged our people to share videos of them singing a favorite song. I did it! That musical worship moment is my testimony of the stone taking down fear. I love to sing, but have not taken any lessons. Most days, I question if I am singing in tune at all. I have not sung solo in front of anyone and have never sung with only an instrumental accompaniment… until a few days ago when I decided that learning to do this was the next step in this war against fear.
I’m just an ordinary girl, worshiping her extraordinary Saviour.
I can do all things through Christ. ~ Philippians 4:13.
To Him be the glory.