My name is Jill. I attended a Lutheran church from the early 1960’s to the early 1980’s in my hometown in Illinois. Twenty-eight years ago, I turned my back on God when my fiancé was killed in a car accident.
In May of 2005, when my life became messy and I felt that God was calling me back to Him, I rededicate my life back to Christ and found a non-denomintional church here in Las Vegas. At that time, my husband became a Christian for the very first time in his life at the age of 51.
All my life, I bottled up a lot of stuff, a lot of abuse and some of life’s greatest pains. Some people that know me would not think those things happened to me or in my life because I always hid them from everyone. Last year at this time, I was just starting to learn to trust people in our church and really open up about all the abuse in my entire life. So I sought the advice and guidance of one of the pastor’s in our church at the end of August. She set up a meeting with me. The pastor took everything the wrong way and turned on me. I ended up coming home from that meeting and actually collapsing into my husband’s arms. I feel that the pastor abused me emotionally and spiritually that night.
Due to all the abuse in my life, I viewed the church as my one and only “safe haven”. It was the one and only place I was not abused or wounded. I feel that changed at the end of August after meeting with that pastor. Due to my upbringing in the church, I respected and admired pastors. I always looked up to “pastors” and viewed them as a “representatives of God”. I do admit that I placed them on pedesals. They have a higher calling to be “people that are supposed to act like Jesus”. I also understand that pastors are human too.
Since September, my husband and I feel that we cannot go to a church due to the ill feelings. I feel that I will never be able to walk into that church again and hold my head high or feel like I am home or at peace. I feel that I have no safe haven to go to now. I am still so deeply hurt. This has caused me more emotional and mental pain than all of the things I have been through. To this day, the pastor did not even apologize for their actions. Back in September, my husband emailed the senior pastor of the church in an attempt to get the matter resolved. However, to this day, the situation has not been resolved.
I just want to wake up one day and this nightmare between the pastor and I to be over with. I keep praying for God to take away all my pain and suffering over the course of my life. I am also now having a hard time with my Christian faith and beliefs. My spark is slowing going out. It took me 25 years to go back to church after the lost of my fiancé. I don’t want that to happen again.
Would you please pray for God to heal me from everything that has happened (all the abuse) and to help me get back on track with my relationship with Him (God)? Also, please pray that God shows my husband and I the direction we are supposed to go in, possibly finding a different church. Also, that He (God) will put people in life to show me what true love is and that He truly does love me?