The Longings of My Heart

Change is not my friend. I wish I could say I handle the changes in this life with the grace of royalty, but even though the Bible says that I am a member of the royal priesthood, there is nothing quite like change to make me feel more like a prisoner than the daughter of the king. Change often leaves me feeling helpless and out of control, but what this heart of mine truly longs for is the peace that comes from resting in the knowledge of who my King is.

This spring break, the kids and I decided that we would use the week off to redecorate their rooms. They are getting to that age where they have outgrown their childhood furniture and wanted “epic” teenage rooms.   Everything’s epic these days, and let me just tell you that this mamma who’s still stuck in the everything’s “cool” phase of the 80’s is not ready for epic rooms, or for “epic”-saying teenagers for that matter.

This revelation hit me late one night as I bawled over my twelve-year old son’s toy dinosaurs. I did. I cried over dinosaurs and dinky cars. The excitement over redecorating wore off after a long day of painting, and as I packed away the toys, the tears started welling up in my eyes. Listening to my son chatting away about times gone by when he played with these toys only added to the heartache, and as soon as he headed to bed, it all came pouring out.  We were entering a new phase in life, one without the toys of childhood, and as is so often the case, the old one was being bid a fond farewell in tears.

I am the emotional type. I cry and sometimes get a bit dramatic about things, but my heart’s desire is to walk into the newness of each stage of life with the confidence that comes from knowing Who I am walking there with.  God is unchanging – the same yesterday, today and forevermore – as I walk with Him through this ever-changing life, I want to learn to trust and follow Him.

Walking with God is a journey and I am learning to walk nearer to Him. We do a dance, sometimes where we stay in step. I sense his presence and follow his lead.  It is beautiful and peaceful.  Other times, our walk is more like a Father guiding a stubborn child. He holds on tight to my hand to keep me safe from things I don’t understand when all the while I desire and fight to go my own way. Many times, I get full so full of fear that I want to run away, but God holds on and keeps walking with me.   He doesn’t let go until I surrender my fear to Him and when I do, the peace flows again and we continue to walk on together.

I long to stay longer in the times of surrender, and to cast away all rebellion from my heart, so I can enjoy the sweet moments of being at rest in God’s will. But my flesh has desires of its own.  These desires push God from his rightful place, and although He desires to reign in me, I have to admit it is an ongoing battle.  Who or What will be king of my life? Sadly, it is not always God, although this is my heart’s deepest desire! I’m ready to raise the white flag and put an end to this war going on in my heart.

God and I have been doing a little rearranging and redecorating in my heart these days.  Just as with my son’s room, there are things to be packed up and put away.   Things that need to be let go of to make room for God’s proposed epic improvements.   Letting go is never easy, and for me it is usually not a one-time deal.  I desire to want God’s will, and sometimes that’s the best I can do.  I want to want God to make my heart new and want to be willing to endure the process it will take to get there.  But, most of all, my heart’s desire is to walk into each new phase in life with grace and surrender, holding on to my God and following his lead.   I am the daughter of the King; my heart is His and longs to be even more so!

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

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