Porn Dust in His Eye, Fantasy Plank in Hers (Part II)

Continued from, “Porn Dust in His Eye, Fantasy Plank in Hers (Part I)”



Oh the damage that is done, when we allow lust into our hearts and homes. A wife who finds that her husband is using porn often feels cheated on. She asks herself, “Why am I not good enough? Am I not pretty or sexy enough?” It can be crushing to her. Think of it: If a man truly understood what a romance novel or other medium does to the heart and mind of a woman… If he only knew how she preferred to think of a character in a book before she thought of him, wouldn’t his heart be hurt too? He may already wonder why his wife has no interest in him sexually, why she is satisfied to live without the romance they used to share. There is a simple answer for him: If she is satisfying her needs for romance through her imagination, there is no need to seek him out. It may not even occur to her that, in turn, his needs are no longer being met and the temptation to look outside the marriage for stimulation is becoming stronger and stronger. The Bible says in I Corinthians 7:4-5, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” We are not to be a stumbling block or let our actions give another soul room to sin (I Corinthians 8:9).



If you are not married yet, you ought to put these things down as well. If you are wrapped up in someone else’s love affair, how in the world are you going to recognize the one meant for you? Your mind and heart will be dulled to the leading of the Spirit and the intentions and affections of someone really special! Because, quite honestly, the romance waiting for you will look nothing like what you read about, but it will be better.



As a society, we are also teaching our daughters at younger and younger ages to enter this world of lust and fantasy. I don’t have to tell you what the most recent romance is, the characters are household names, but is that what you truly want for your daughter? Schooling her to have expectations so high that no decent, loving man could ever meet them. What about the possibility of your daughter missing out on the man God chose for her because she will not be able to see him through Christ’s eyes? Instead she will see him as lacking through the eyes of worldly romance rubbish! What about the liability of your daughter growing up to live a life of secret disappointment because her husband isn’t rescuing her and sweeping her off her feet every moment? WHAT ARE WE DOING?! Why would we allow our children to mentally reside in this make believe world and stunt their ability to discern reality from fiction, to taint their minds with lies of the world. We would be leaving them to forever wonder if they aren’t good enough for the “perfect” love they’ve learned to look for, never realizing it is actually made-up, fictional love. 



Maybe this is already you and what you experience in your home. When we allow our hearts to graze on perceived greener grass, all we are doing is feeding a spirit of discontentment. When we turn our minds and hearts inward to think of only our needs and wants, or when we nurse desires that no human could ever meet, we build walls of selfishness around our hearts that no one will ever be able to scale. You say you want love, but Sister, what is love? Love is laying one’s life down for another (John 15:13). It is selflessness and looking for ways to fulfill the needs of our mate, and others, before our own.



Why settle for second best? Why settle for romance written by limited, finite human brains? Why not allow God to show you the depth of the romance He intended? Take this before the Lord, ask for forgiveness and allow Him to rid your heart and mind of these imagined romances and then reenter reality, where real love and real intimacy can be experienced. Everything He does far exceeds our thoughts or expectations, and only He is able to fill and satisfy our longing hearts. Choose Him today, and let Him author the romance to surpass all romances through you! Isaiah 55:9 says, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” What a hope and assurance that we can trust Him to do more than we could ever dream!



Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8



We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5



Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21



Bible references taken from the New International Version

7 comments for “Porn Dust in His Eye, Fantasy Plank in Hers (Part II)

  1. March 25, 2011 at 9:42 PM

    This is something I’ve thought about a lot. I’m not sure exactly what kind of “romantic” books truly fall into this category. I’m certain I know which series you are likely referring to right now and those stories hold zero interest to me. We watched the first movie out of curiosity and because it was filmed by where we live but honestly, it was BORING. Anyway, I think this is individual for each woman and something she needs to seek advice from the Lord on. If her mind is truly wandering into fantasy due to the books she reads, then that is a problem.

    I however do not have that issue (and I am really not into steamy romance novels) but even the love stories I do read, don’t make desire a fictional character. They actually make me think of my husband because we do have a fabulous marriage. A lot of the times I end up thinking about the male character and a lot of the things they do, I know my husband would never do. If I like the couple, I’m cheering them on, hoping they find a wholesome love together (I only read Christian novels)but not because I’d want to be with the man in the books. I realize not every woman is the same.

    So where do we draw the line? Karen Kingsbury has romance in her books. So does Francine Rivers and pretty much every other Christian author. As a writer, I can’t stop reading. Are you talking about the sleazy romance novels? My novels have some romantic aspects to them. Kind of hard to write about real life w/o it. I think God gave some finite brains the ability to write beautiful stories that include love and romance.

    I would also assume romantic movies and romantic comedies might fall into this category.

    Sorry for the novel 🙂 Obviously something I’ve thought about a lot and haven’t figured out 🙂

    Blessings,
    Mel
    Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God

  2. March 26, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Hi Mel,
    Thanks for posting your thoughts!
    I think this all comes down to honesty in our own hearts and minds. I think most people, especially Christians (because of the prompting of the Holy Spirit), are fairly aware of where their weaknesses are.
    I think we need to be honest with ourselves and God and not play with fire. Something that could be completely innocent for one person, can be a total spiritual trap for another. We need to be responsible to not open a book or watch a show that will nudge us or even propel us into sin. God is so faithful, and if we ask for His help, He will give it.
    I guess the question becomes, when does this stuff become sin? I think a red flag might be if we start thinking things like, I wish my husband/marriage/relationship/life was like that… When we start to covet something, even a person, relationship or way of life, we are treading on dangerous ground and we risk walking away from being content in the Lord and His provision.
    I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a more godly marriage. For example, desiring your husband to be the spiritual leader in your home, is a good want and need – but if it begins to color our mood or how we treat our spouse, again, treading on thin ice.
    Back to the idea that some things can trip up one person in their walk, but not another person… As an author, friend, bystander, etc. we need to hold the needs of others before our own. We are cautioned in the Word to not be a stumbling block to others. This is a tremendous responsibility as an author, and I think that if you decide to include intimacy in your writing, then it would be wise to be on your face before the Lord to be sure He is leading you to do so. I would bet that you don’t want your writing to cause someone else to sin.
    Same thing with being a friend, pray before asking someone to a movie or offering to loan a book, and ask God to reveal to you if this is something you should or should not do. Maybe choose not to watch a show, because the scenes might be too tempting to your spouse. Skip a show that might be focused on physical appearance if your daughter is struggling with how she feels about her body.
    We all need to be accountable this way, and it is so hard, isn’t it?! It requires asking God to help us put down our selfish nature and put the needs of others before our own…
    Well, there is my novel LOL! Thanks for getting my brain and heart moving on how I can better serve the Lord and love others! Jen

  3. March 26, 2011 at 4:35 PM

    That is pretty much the place I have come to. I think it can also depend on what the definition of romance and intimacy mean to people. Intimacy to me, references more sexual relations. I won’t ever write about that. I don’t think it’s necessary or all that beneficial to the story. Romance for me means more of having a loving relationship, falling in love, holding hands, etc. And I wouldn’t want to cause my readers to stumble but I also want to write stories with some reality in them. Husbands and wives love each other, they might kiss, a Christian husband might hold his wife and say nice things to comfort her. All of those things could strike up an issue for an individual who wants those things and doesn’t have them. Lots of things can become stumbling blocks for those who may be bitter.

    Where do you see the responsibility? With the author or the reader? I know it is both but I do think we each have to have some self awareness and know where our limits are. If something is a stumbling block for me, I shouldn’t read it.

    I plan to someday write a novel that includes my own love story with my husband (nothing sexual). Our story can give others hope, we’ve been through a lot. This could be a stumbling block for someone. Should I not tell it? Do you see what I’m saying? 🙂 It’s hard to know where to draw the line. It seems simpler with porn. We know what porn is and we know what triggers men.

    Very interesting discussion 🙂 I hope you don’t mind talking with me about it 🙂

    Blessings,
    Mel

  4. March 31, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    Very challenging post; thanks. We can so often ‘escape’ into a fantasy world, and feel flat when we emerge – do we realise what we do to ourselves, our relationships with others (any kind of relationship – not just romantic) and our relationship with God?

  5. Jeri Turner
    April 15, 2011 at 8:43 AM

    Wow – great discussion here! Mel, I can see your point about who is responsible for those forays into that fantasy world. It made me think of how the otherwise good admonishments of James Dobson affected me years ago. When he would talk about how husbands SHOULD be, my reality was quite different. (It’s not that my husband wasn’t a good man – he was – but maybe not as spiritual as the ideal set forth by Dobson.) It often led me on a critical path, trying to \fix\ my husband. The narrative that led me to that bad place was not bad in itself, but in a sense, I was coveting a more perfect relationship. In the process, I was neglecting to love my husband for who he was, and neglecting to trust God to deal with the rest. I was the one with the problem, not Dobson.

    In Christ ~ Jeri

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  7. August 30, 2011 at 11:43 AM

    Wow, really when it comes to this topic, the main thing is communication of the couple before and during the marriage. So many times physical intimacy isn’t even discussed so how would someone know their partners needs aren’t being met. Fantasy is a healthy part of intimacy; the key is it’s your partner you turn to for that. The reason porn is so prolific in our society is that it paints a picture of manliness and prowess that no one could ever live up to in reality and it focuses fully on the flesh with no connection to the spirit and God intended us to enjoy a healthy, monogamous oneness with each other. Part of that is discussions beforehand about individual needs and desires so that if there are differences they can be worked out together. There has to be a willingness of both partners to do this over the long term of their marriage. There is also the need, especially with Christians to address the question without shame and to ask in prayer for help in the matter. And lastly the couple actually has to place importance on intimacy and make time for it and that includes romance as well as physical touch. Without that there is just too much worldly information bombarding us all daily and constantly throwing tripping stones our way.

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