Setting Boundaries – Gaining SANITY: When Helping Hurts

 

Let’s face it, dear Boomer Babes, not all adult children are dysfunctional, any more than all parents are enablers. Many adult children have been raised to have deep respect for their parents and themselves. For these children, the thought of taking advantage of anyone, let alone the parents who raised them, is abhorrent. Let’s call these children functioning adult children.

However, for many of us, that term does not describe our adult children. Instead, we “parents in pain” dream about seeing our adult children live as independent, functioning adults instead of the dependent, dysfunctional adult children they have become. And no doubt many enabling parents would argue that their adult children are incapable of taking care of themselves. That may be true. However, is this because of a real physical handicap, a viable developmental disability, or have years of enabling crippled your adult child?  And if crippled, is this disability temporary or permanent?  If temporary, what can we parents do to help reverse the disability and see our adult children take responsibility for themselves?

The first step is for us to accept any part we may have played in making our adult children whom—and what—they’ve become. We also need a better understanding of the difference between helping and enabling, and the wisdom and willingness to make the necessary changes in our own lives when at last we truly recognize the difference.

What Is the Difference Between Helping and Enabling?

Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.

An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.

When we continue to allow these behaviors to occur, we are setting a pattern of behavior in our children that will be hard to change. We are enabling their repeated inappropriate behavior.  Then we repeat the enabling pattern with the result of instilling bad habits and accepting what should be unacceptable behavior for so many years that it eventually becomes as natural to many of us as breathing. Yet all the while, a nagging feeling deep in our heart and soul tells us something is very wrong.

Are You an Enabling Parent?
Here are a few questions that might help you determine if you are an enabling parent.

  1. Have you loaned him money repeatedly, seldom (if ever) being repaid?
  2. Have you paid for education and/or job training in more than one field?
  3. Have you finished a job or project that he failed to complete himself because it was easier than arguing with him?
  4. Have you paid bills he was supposed to have paid himself?
  5. Have you accepted part of the blame for his addictions or behavior?
  6. Have you avoided talking about negative issues because you feared his response?
  7. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?
  8. Have you given him “one more chance” and then another and another?
  9. Have you ever returned home at lunchtime (or called) and found him still in bed sleeping?
  10. Have you wondered how he gets money to buy cigarettes, video games, new clothes, and such but can’t afford to pay his own bills?

If you answered yes to several of these questions, chances are at some point in time you have enabled your adult child to avoid his own responsibilities—to escape the consequences of his actions. Rather than help your child grow into a productive and responsible adult, you have made it easier for him to get worse.

To put it simply, your helping is hurting—and it’s time to stop. Although it’s high time many of our adult children begin to accept the consequences of their choices, the plain truth is we must first accept the responsibility for our own choices—past, present, and future. We must stop doing what we’ve been doing.

Our biggest problem isn’t about our adult child’s inability to wake up when their alarm clock rings, or their inability to keep a schedule, or their inability to hold down a job or pay their bills. It’s not about their drug use or alcohol addictions. It’s not about the mess they’re making of their life.  The main problem is about the part we’re playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make.

The main problem is us.

Ending Enabling Behavior
From my experience, I’ve come to learn four life-saving truths about changing enabling behavior.

  • We can pray for the power to change ourselves.
  • We can help (not enable) adult children of any age develop wings to fly on their own.
  • We can find comfort in knowing we are not alone on this journey.
  • We can take back our life!

However, it’s going to take time—dear Boomer Babes. We didn’t get this way overnight—but we can change. We can learn the difference between helping and enabling.

If you’re a hurting parent who dearly loves your adult child but longs to see him at last take responsibility for his life, please take a moment to watch the video “When Helping Hurts” (Episode 6) on the audio/video page of my web site. It could save your sanity—and maybe even your adult child’s life.

Video clip at:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B514OfAUQ1g

http://www.settingboundaries.com/audio-and-video/

Until next month, dear Boomer Babes who Rock, may the good Lord bless and keep you all!

Allison Bottke
www.SettingBoundaries.com
www.BoomerBabesRock.com

2 comments for “Setting Boundaries – Gaining SANITY: When Helping Hurts

  1. linda martion
    March 30, 2009 at 4:33 AM

    Great article!
    My problem is trying to distinquish difference between helping and enabling.
    For instance, my son is going on an expensive vacation to Ca.. I live 85 miles from airport, but he wanted to save his long term parking money so, he asked me to drive a 170 mile round trip to pick him up from the airport. I felt obligated to do it even though I’m in my 60’s and the drive and wait would be hard on me. His dad put his foot down that I couldn’t go. Who was right me or his dad? Thanks if you can answer.

  2. Char
    September 16, 2011 at 8:38 AM

    I can only shake my head to think that your son would consider asking you to pick him up from a vacation from that distance. Possibly if he planned it out he could have asked a friend or offered to pay for gas etc.
    I have a niece and she and her husband live in constant chaos. They are always in need and will call last minute for a ride or babysitting. My mother is 81 and they continually use her for whatever they need. Because of her great grandchildren she always says yes. It has been financially draining on her. When my mom says no she can’t they move on to the next person and then the next person etc. I have been busy up until this last week when my employer died. The very day after the funeral, there on the phone, was her name. She knows that I have free time. As a christian I am feeling guilty for avoiding her, however, the other part of me thinks…no way am I getting caught in this chaos!
    I feel guilty, but only because of what God may think about the whole thing. I am really not sure what I should do….we are suppose to be there to help those in need….any suggestions?

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