Born to Heaven

When our first child, Allie, was a year old, I miscarried a pregnancy of 8 weeks. Generally, when we told people about it, they seemed to shrug it off, after all, it was only 8 weeks. We never let anyone know that we had dreams of this baby, and that secretly we had a name for her, Elizabeth. People wouldn’t understand how we could choose a name without knowing from the doctors whether it was a boy or girl, and they certainly wouldn’t understand how we could connect with our child’s spirit without it having more of a formed body. Because of the overall indifference, and refusal to acknowledge my early pregnancy loss as important, we hid it from people.

Sadly, for thee years, our little girl had become nothing more than a secret, but in November of 2007 that all changed. A friend shared with me the story of her own pregnancy loss, and with our common ground I felt compelled to tell her about Elizabeth. I never expected the feelings of peace that swept over me. As I spoke Elizabeth’s name, I released her from that hiding place, I set her free to do what she was meant to do.

Suddenly, I realized that other women felt the same way I did, isolated and hushed by the world about something that was so deeply a part of us. I wanted to make a way for these women to share their stories. These children were a part of them, and now they are a part of heaven. I found a flyer for a Bible-based miscarriage and infant-loss class, and I knew that I needed to do something. I contacted them to ask if I could donate quilts for some of the women who lost their pregnancy’s, as a means of showing support, and acknowledging the life of their child. After speaking with them, I decided I wanted to teach the class, but first I would need to go through it. I never expected the healing that was to come. In the Bible study, I found peace in places that I never expected, and it even went beyond my pregnancy loss.

For many unsuccessful years, I had searched for healing from the sorrows of my childhood, but nothing seemed to go deep enough to even touch it. Somehow, God began using our Elizabeth to heal me from the most painful memories of my life: an abusive childhood, losing both my parents, forgiving the mistakes of the people who raised me in their place, and letting go of my deep resentment for what I felt God had done to me. The miscarriage class was a safe place for me to say, “You know, God, it just isn’t fair, and I don’t understand it,” but I didn’t just stop there at the resentment, I went one step further and heard God’s response to that, saying to me, “I know you don’t understand all these things, but it doesn’t mean that the story stops with your sorrow, it goes even further to reveal your healing, the person you’ve become as a result of this, the difference I can make in other’s lives through your healing and your new life in Christ.”

After completing my pregnancy-loss Bible study, I was surprised to discover some wonderful news–I was pregnant again! After four years of infertility, a miracle had happened. The beginning of my pregnancy was terrifying. Since we had lost Elizabeth, all those fears of losing this pregnancy overwhelmed me. In time, I came to realize that God wanted me to put all my trust in Him, no matter where the pregnancy would take my life, I needed to trust that He knew what He was doing. So, I accepted His promise from Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I knew I had to trust Him, and so I did my best. Well, it was more like the kind of trust where you say, “Okay, you can drive, but I’m still holding the map.”

When I first shared the news of the baby with my daughter who was five-years-old, she had some news of her own to share, “Momma, I have some bad news, some really bad news…I don’t like babies.” However, it wasn’t long before she changed her mind about that, and by the time I was 15 weeks along, she was nuzzling and blowing on my stomach everyday, and saying “Goodnight, Sammi!” Which, by the way, is what she named the baby. Although I’m not sure why, soon we were all calling the baby Sammi.

I was so excited when I first felt a little butterfly fluttering. I mostly felt it when Jack played his guitar, or when Allie came over to jiggle my stomach. I’d say, “Stop! You’re making Sammi dizzy!” And she would just laugh hysterically. Expecting the baby had become our new way of life. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as we planned. On September 5, we delivered Sammi at 18 weeks. And on September 18, we buried our Samantha Grace. We can’t tell you what happened, and we don’t know why. I can’t explain God’s plan or reasoning when He does things that seem so outrageously different then what we expected, but I do know that God’s peace is with me still the same. I know that somehow, I feel calm in the middle of all this.

Just a few days after I delivered Sammi, I was holding our 3-month-old kitten, which had fallen asleep in my arms. As I carried him into our room, I broke down when I realized how empty my arms felt, but not just my arms, my womb was empty, and then there is this hole in my heart longing for that baby to still be a part of me. I know that God still loves me, and I know that God loves our Sammi, and that Sammi’s life has a purpose. It was not some random senseless loss, and just because I can’t wrap my mind around God’s plan doesn‘t mean Sammi’s life and death have no purpose. Sometimes it isn’t about understanding God’s plan. Sometimes it’s just about accepting it for what it is, and letting God do what He needs to do. Would it change anything if we understood?

The Word tells us:

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb…”–Jeremiah 1:5

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together…. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”Psalms 139:13-16 

I have no question as to whether or not my Elizabeth or Sammi truly existed. When someone asks me, “How many children do you have?” I have no shame in admitting that I have three daughters, only two are in Heaven. I know that before the Bible study, Elizabeth was simply a secret, and now, both my girls are touching lives everywhere.

©2008, Kristie Verret,
Mom to Alicen, Born to Heaven: Elizabeth, & Sammi

Web site: Born to Heaven

14 comments for “Born to Heaven

  1. Mia
    December 9, 2008 at 1:36 AM

    Such a touching testimony.
    Beautifully written.

    I too, have little ones in Heaven.

  2. January 26, 2009 at 8:59 PM

    I have had one precious child born to heaven – Wesley Randall. He is a part of me and is a lifeline from my heart to heaven.

    God bless you for sharing this with us.

    (((HUGS)))

    Gina

  3. February 8, 2009 at 8:49 PM

    Your story brought tears to my eyes…I have 8 little ones in heaven. One day, I will have many little pairs of arms hugging me around my neck at my homecoming.

  4. Karen
    February 16, 2009 at 9:32 PM

    I had two babies (twins) born to heaven at 7 weeks. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. Im trusting in God to bless us with patience while trying to conceive again. “Trust in the Lord”

  5. March 10, 2009 at 10:42 PM

    The story you shared cast a relection of your heart. I have 4 wee ones in heaven and cannot wait to hold them near one day.

  6. April 2, 2009 at 8:13 PM

    I miscarried back in September at 8 weeks. I’m struggling right now as my due date is a month away. I understand what you mean by people shrugging it off since it was so early in the pregnancy. I’m so thankful that I’ve found this site!

  7. Kristie
    April 9, 2009 at 5:22 PM

    Thanks so much for all these touching comments. (I wanted to mention to Leslie that I too remember approaching Sammi’s due date, it was this past February. It was a tough day, but it won’t be the first “first” you will face, and the Lord will carry you through the many ahead.)

    I also wanted to say that my family and I are doing well, and expecting again. We pray for God’s will no matter where that takes our lives, and our child’s life. I pray for each of you as you find healing in the Lord for your losses. We are forever bonded by the lives of our children in Heaven. God’s blessings.

  8. June 2, 2009 at 4:37 PM

    Praying for you during this pregnancy. I too have felt peace & comfort telling people the story of my son Levi who I lost in Jan 2008. Peace & Love to you!

  9. Jennifer
    June 26, 2009 at 8:09 PM

    Thank you for sharing your story. I just lost my precious baby a few days ago, at 8 weeks. I’ve experienced so many of the same feelings of dismissal of our loss because it was an “early” loss. But this child was our child and had already become a huge part of our hearts in the weeks we knew about her. I shared with my husband the other day that maybe God allowed this to happen so that we could reach out and minister to others in the same way that one woman has ministered to me through this time. I know of other Christian women in my circle who have miscarried, but so many times it seems taboo. People express their sympathy but no one wants to talk about their personal journey through dealing with a child through miscarriage, and I have so much appreciated the woman who has reached out to me. I know you have touched many lives through your bible study and this article. I hope that one day God will give me the same opportunity to use this hard experience as a ministry to others. May God Bless your family.

  10. September 25, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    I just wanted to mention that our daughter was born healthy on August 28th. Thank you so much to those of you have sent prayers and well wishes on our behalf.

  11. Pat
    May 11, 2011 at 5:22 PM

    Hi-
    Don’t know if you’ll ever see this, since I just read this site in 2011. It brought tears to my eyes, too. My husband and I had 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage several years ago. The reaction to ” early loss” is pretty typical I suppose. Seems the sorrow we felt and the desire I felt to be comforted wasn’t perceived always. I recall being invited to a baby shower for the baby of good friends-I was happy for them, but I just couldn’t go look at all the lovely little baby clothes; my baby didn’t need any, and I felt like I might just burst into tears. However, those who do reach out mean so much. And perhaps others don’t know what to say or do I , or worry about making us sad by bringing it up. I suppose so many things in life we don’t truly understand unless we’ve had that particular experience. Thank you for sharing yours.

  12. Susan
    August 20, 2011 at 5:50 PM

    I am 61 – had a miscarriage in 1972 and a tubal pregnancy in 1978. I never was blessed with a child on this earth. I had many surgeries over the years hoping that I might have the baby I so longed for. No one understood when, at age 48, I had a complete historectomy which so devastated me. Even though I was a bit old to have a child at that point the surgery meant that my dream of a family was gone. I silently mourned for a very long time – maybe I still do.

  13. August 21, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    Susan I wanted you to know I read your reply and I am going to pray for you. I am sure you do mourn even now. May you be comforted with the peace only God the Father can give you. May you know full well from this day forward the love of others and the unconditional love of God and His Son so that you will not feel the emptiness when you think of your loss.

  14. Betsy
    March 11, 2013 at 8:10 AM

    I have had at least one miscarriage, perhaps others that were too early to detect. I understand the “early loss” stigma, and this post connected with me when I read that you had dreamed of Elizabeth. I dreamed of my little girl, too. Over a year later I was diagnosed with a blood-clotting disorder, and though the diagnosis seemed to make my friends and family relieved –– because now I can be treated, they think –– it makes me more heartsick. I’m so afraid of losing another baby. For years we have tried to conceive and during that time I’ve celebrated for my friends who have had babies. But it doesn’t seem to get any easier, and I’ve felt my hope wain during this wait. I’m comforted to read everyone’s posts and be reminded that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy, that my baby lives in heaven, and that I can continue to hope because our God is good.

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