The theme of this month’s CWO issue is Family. In thinking and praying about this topic, I kept coming back to the fact that for me, the word family most often means—friends. I grew up in a very small family. My parents divorced when I was quite young and Mom never remarried. We had no aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents on my mom’s side, and most of my father’s relatives became non-existent to us when my parents divorced. Later, when Grandma and Grandpa Gappa passed away, there was no one left but mom, my older sister and younger brother. Mom went to be with the Lord a few years ago, leaving the three of us comprising the nucleus of our original family. That’s it—three of us.

We each have our own families now, and we get together whenever possible. Like many baby boomers, we’re getting closer the older we get (funny how that works for some of us, eh?) But also like many mobile families of this century, we all live in different states.

That’s why for me, the term family has for many years included my closest friends. For me, my friends are my family. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. That’s why I’d like to share a story with you now about my Family of Linda’s.

Lord, Send Me a Linda!

“You’ve got to get us out of here,” I overheard my mother saying to my father one day as he dropped off an envelope of cash that was formally called “child support” but that we had come to know as “food money.” “The roaches are every where,” she cried to him. “The spray they use every week is killing your children, you have got to do something!” And that is how we moved from the projects of Cleveland, Ohio to the lower west side back in 1960. I was five years old. It’s also how I came to know my first two Linda’s.

Next-door to our rented house on West 105th Street, was Linda S. and across the alley behind our house was Linda B., my very best friends growing up—more like sisters than friends. For over a decade we did everything together. We played dress-up together, went to school together, my mom took us on outings together. We had countless sleep-overs where we talked about our dreams and shared our secrets. We smoked our first cigarettes together, turning green in equal measure. We grew up and parted, but their friendships were cornerstones of my life. Over the years, any time I met someone named Linda, I felt a warm glow in my heart.

Decades later in Arizona as a new Christian, it was another Linda B., hundreds of miles from my Ohio hometown, who befriended me and showed through her example what a woman of God was like. We were as close as two sisters could be. I was 35 and hadn’t lived near my own sister for many years. My Linda, as I came to call her, showed me as a new Christian what it truly meant to have a “sister-in-Christ.” She was my family—as were many of the new people who came into my life when I took a major u-turn and joined the Family of God.

When I met my husband a few years later in a long-distance whirlwind courtship it was bittersweet. We both felt that God had orchestrated our union, yet it meant moving from my home in Arizona to Minnesota. I was leaving the only Christian family I had ever known. I was leaving My Linda behind – and the pain in my heart and soul was deep.

“Lord,” I cried. “Please, please send me someone like Linda,” I prayed as I began another chapter in my life in my new Minnesota home. I was turning forty, and lonely for a sisterhood friendship like the one I had left behind in Arizona.

“Hello, welcome to our church, how are you?” a lovely woman warmly greeted us as we entered. Praying for a church home to call our own, my new husband and I walked into the small neighborhood church not yet knowing God’s plan for us. With a glowing smile that matched her spirit, I breathed deeply and held onto her a little tighter as we shook hands in greeting when she said, “Hi! My name is Linda, what’s yours?”

Today, over ten years later, Linda L. is more than a friend—a true sister-in-Christ, she is family. God answered my prayer. He sent me a Linda and I send him my thanksgiving daily for the friendships He orchestrates when we open our hearts to Him.

My husband and I have been mumbling for years about leaving Minnesota to relocate to Texas. The older our boomer body’s get, the colder the winters seem to become. As I think about starting over in another state in this, my fifth decade of life, I wonder what surprises the Lord will have in store for us.

Surely, He can once again send me a Linda, don’t you think?

I’ll keep you informed.

Until next month, God be with you and your family.

©2007, Allison Bottke

One of my all time favorite films is Independence Day. No matter how many times I watch it, I find myself emotionally engaged in the drama, passion and pathos of the story. This film covers such a broad spectrum of button-pushing feelings and sentiments it isn’t funny. Where else can you find a balanced mixture of love and hate, humor and sadness, forgiveness and anger, survival and death, victory and defeat, and good and evil? All that, and Will Smith, too!

If you scroll through all of my CWO columns for the past seven months, you’ll see my theme for the entire year has been “Freedom.” As Fourth of July independence celebrations take place around the country, I’d like to present another kind of independence for your consideration—another kind of freedom.

The freedom that comes when we realize it’s okay to say, “No.” That it’s okay to say, “Enough is Enough.” The freedom that comes when we set healthy boundaries—in all of our relationships.

I’m the author of a book that focuses on freedom from enabling our adult children. If you’ve read my book, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out I have boundary issues. Many of us do. I could be wrong, but I think the issue of unclear boundaries is more prevalent in the lives of women. After all, we are the mommies, the nurturers, and the multi-taskers. We are the I-can-do-it-all gender who are slowly killing ourselves trying to do-it-all.

This insidious death march is especially true for Christian women. Because we’ve bought in to the lies of Satan that in order to be a “Good Christian Woman,” we must always be ready, willing and able to say, “Yes.” No matter how painful it may be. That we must always be quick to love, honor, obey, serve, and forgive. No matter how broken our heart. That we must always put others first and ignore our own feelings. No matter how wrong, misguided, or dangerous those others may be. That in order to be a “Good Christian Woman,” the health and welfare of others is far more important than the health and welfare of our own heart, soul, body and mind.

If those lies aren’t enough to send us on a path to destruction, the ultimate lie of Satan is that when we exhibit this totally selfless focus, and remove every boundary of protection from our life, only then will we please God and demonstrate what it means to be a good and faithful servant.

Excuse me?

Unless I have a Bible that no one else has, I have yet to read Scripture that tells me to be a doormat. That instructs me to be an emotional repository for everyone else’s problems. Can someone please point out the Scripture that encourages me to allow my heart, soul, mind, and body to get so beaten up and damaged that I don’t know which end is up in order to show the world what a “Good Christian Woman” I am? Can anyone point out the Scripture that tells me I am a horrible person destined to go to Hell because I take a stand to guard—to protect, my heart?

This month we celebrate the independence of our country. Let us also make it a month to celebrate the independence of a heart that has found freedom from the bondage that comes when we don’t have healthy boundaries in place.

It doesn’t matter whether you are involved in a painful relationship with your spouse, your adult child, a family member or friend, a boss or a co-worker. If you or someone you know is going through a rough time where violated boundaries may be the issue, please hear me now.

Freedom from pain comes with a price. Sometimes, in order to make things right, we must first say, “No.” We must have faith that God will still love us when we say, “Enough is Enough.” Moreover, we must be willing to walk the difficult journey to freedom as we establish healthy boundaries and pick up the pieces of wrong choices we have made. We must trust that God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

It’s not about all the things we do. It’s not about all the selfless acts of service we extend to others. It’s not about always saying, “Yes.” It’s a downright lie that the more we do the more God will like us. The truth is written in John 3:16:

God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

We have freedom in the blood of Jesus Christ. He cannot love us more, no matter what we do. He’s already loved us unto death.

Available now from Harvest House Publishers
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
by Allison Bottke
For more information visit: www.SanitySupport.com

Have you ever thought of the sum total of your life experiences as being a gift from God? That the journey you have walked, no matter how joyful or painful, is something God has gifted you with? And more important, that He wants you to share that gift with others?

If not, I’d like to challenge you today to make the choice to look at your life with a fresh vision. I’d like to challenge you today to make the choice to view your life as your God Story. And, I’d like to take that one step further. I’d like to challenge you today to make the choice to share your God Story with others.

As faith-filled boomer babes, we have each lived our lives through joy and pain and have come out the other side with a God Story. Our stories are as unique as we are—yet as Christians, we share a common denominator. That through it all, no matter how many hills or valleys we have traversed, God has been at work. At all times and in all ways—even when we couldn’t see or feel his presence.

I often quote my friend, Michelle McKinney Hammond, “Every test is a testimony and every mess is a ministry.” What test or mess has God brought you through? What pressure have you been through in your pain that has turned coal into a diamond?

I was blessed to speak several times last month during Mother’s Day weekend. The topic of my messages was, “God Allows U-Turns: The Choices We Make Change the Story of Our Life.” This is not only a series of books that I’ve edited and the foundation for my ministry outreach, it really is something that I live by.

I truly believe the choices we make can change our life story, and that our choices can change or have an impact on the lives and stories of others.

This past Mother’s Day, a legend in gospel music, Dottie Rambo, was tragically killed when her bus hit an embankment and crashed. A friend of mine knew this amazing singer/songwriter, and her life was impacted due to the choice Dottie Rambo made years ago to share her music and testimony—her God Story. Indirectly, my life has been impacted because of what my friend learned from Dottie. I would hazard to guess that even though Dottie is now with her Heavenly Father, that her God Story will continue to have lasting impact on countless lives. Because long ago she made the choice to share her story.

When we share our testimonies, our God stories, it’s impossible to know the long-term impact they will have. We never know who may be changed as a result of hearing our story. We never know who might make different choices in their life because we made the choice to boldly and unashamedly share how God has worked in our life.

The choices I made early in my life greatly influenced the choices that my only child made in his life. Later, after I became a Christian and began to make better choices, I began to see just how powerful my choices were. I made a choice to share my journey in learning to set boundaries with my adult son and the book I wrote as a result of that choice is helping to change lives. I felt the call on my heart to write it—yet I had no earthly idea how God would open the floodgates of heaven to bless the project. He had a plan for my life and he gave me my God Story for a purpose.

What is your God Story? What purpose has God given to you through your journey?

As Christians, our greatest call is to be lanterns to light the way for others to come to know Jesus. The Great Commission challenges us to be witnesses to what God has done, and to bring others to know God’s amazing grace, mercy, peace, and joy.

Maybe you thought you would be at a different place in life than you are now. Maybe there were things that happened to you that were out of your control, yet we can still choose how we respond. We can make choices that bring hope and healing not only to our lives, but to the lives of others as we share our God Story. God has given you the gift of your story. My prayer for you is that you will make the choice to share your journey with others. That you would open your heart to boldly proclaim how God has changed your life, and that in so doing you will bring others into the family of God.

“God can do anything you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”
– Ephesians 3:20, The Message

Available now from Harvest House Publishers
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
by Allison Bottke
For more information visit: www.SanitySupport.com

This week has been one of “those” weeks. We’ve all had them. Although many good things have happened, there have also been some let downs—blessings mixed in with disappointment—the bitter with the sweet. What did I do to escape the reality of some of it? I went to the movies— a quadruple feature all day on Saturday.

But as I emerged from the dark confines of the silver screen after hours of heroes, villains, laughter and tears, my world in the bright light of day hadn’t changed. My husband’s car was still damaged from the accident the night before while we were driving home from church. And, my only son was still facing four years in prison from the final sentencing decision earlier in the week. I was still a mom who was going to have another painful Mother’s Day.

My point in sharing this with you isn’t for pity but to impart that in the midst of disappointing times we can have freedom to enjoy, escape, embrace good friends, and encourage ourselves in the Lord. Life isn’t always going to be pleasant. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of that basic fact.

1 Samuel 30 tells a story about King David. He and his mighty men had been off away from camp fighting. While they were gone the Amalekites had come to their town of Ziklag. They destroyed everything and took their women and children. In verse 18, it says, “David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters.” Ever been there? As the stoner or the stonee?

It continues on in the same verse, “But David found strength in the LORD his God.” In other Word translations it says, “he encouraged himself in the Lord.” Even in the midst of discouragement, facing stoning, and the loss of his family – he ENCOURAGED himself. He remembered the times before when God had pulled him through.

One of my friends chuckles at me, and I think I’m wearing off on her, because I’m often whistling a tune, or breaking out in dance when I hear music. I do it often without thinking, and many times I do this to encourage myself, to keep myself upbeat and positive. I also am careful about not using negative words about myself or others. I surround myself with others who are upbeat, cheerful and positive. I’ve made conscious choices to see the glass always as half full.

I’ve spoken with my son a couple of times since his sentencing. While the outcome wasn’t what we had been praying for, he has been upbeat and is encouraged because the sentence could have been much longer and also because he can move on to the next stage. He’s accepting the consequences of his actions and is trying to make the best of the present and future situation. I’m proud of how far he’s come in his journey of accountability. I know God has a plan for him. More important, so does he. He has found freedom in a disappointing time.

And the accident we had in my husband’s car? We were blessed that no one was injured and my dear hubby was able to temporarily repair the damage himself until the insurance issues are settled. We were encouraged and grateful.

What are you dealing with now or facing in the future? Does it seem insurmountable? If so, find a nice quiet place, and reflect on what God has already brought you through in the past. Look for the good in where you are now. Find a scripture, a song, or a poem, something that encourages you. Read it daily, hourly, every minute if necessary—whatever it takes to help you take another step forward. Surround yourself with positive people. People who will support and encourage you.

Being around supportive people is a key element in staying positive in times of disappointment. That’s why the “A” in the Six Steps to SANITY as outlined in my newest book, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, is to “Assemble a Support Group.” Sometimes, we need people around to give us strength when ours is waning.

As you approach this Mother’s Day season I encourage you to lift up your voice in praise and thanksgiving—no matter the disappointments or pain. We have a choice. We always have a choice.

“Choose this day whom you will serve. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”
– Joshua 24:15

©2008, Allison Bottke

Available now from Harvest House Publishers
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
by Allison Bottke
For more information visit: www.SanitySupport.com

We recently had a few inches of snow here in the Dallas area, reminding us that winter is not quite over and yet spring is knocking at the door. The “snow” came and went in a matter of a few hours, very unlike the snow I’d been accustomed to seeing in March and early April while living in Minnesota.

Spring is beginning to bud in the gardens around my neighborhood and I’m thinking of all the things this new season brings. What comes immediately to my mind are change and new beginnings. Some changes are brought about by the seasons of life, some we embrace and can’t wait to start, others are consequences to previous events, and some cause us to go kicking and screaming our way through them…hopefully with a big dose of prayer along the way too.

Regardless of what we want, or don’t want, change happens (sounds like a bumper sticker) every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

A major change will soon be happening in the life of my only child and in my life as a mother as well. By the time you read this, we will know the outcome from his April 1 sentencing hearing. He is currently in jail in Minnesota. We have no idea what lies ahead for Chris as he experiences change and begins a new season of his life. I’m anxious to know what the decision will be and yet I’m unsure that I’m ready for what that might mean for my only child. Good or bad, he is experiencing the consequences of his actions and after April 1 his life will change from months of sitting in a county jail to either spending years in a state prison (Stillwater) or serving his time while attending the Teen Challenge program.

Have you ever experienced a new beginning or change and because you didn’t know what was ahead, you became a very unwilling participant? You felt pulled in two different directions – to stay where you were or to move forward?

In Windows of the Soul: Experiencing God in New Ways, Ken Gire describes a picture by Norman Rockwell, titled Girl in the Mirror. “There is something about this girl, this girl whose arms are held close and whose hands are curled inward like the petals of a flower. She is somewhere between bud and blossom.” He goes on to relate this image with how we face change, or as he calls them, thresholds.

We go from threshold to threshold with something pulling us forward and something pulling us back. We sit in front of the mirror, tentative, hesitant, and unsure.

How does God feel about us when He sees us at one of those thresholds, sitting in front of one of those mirrors? What is He wanting to tell us at those very insecure, very fearful times? “Grow up. Get a grip. Get up and get on with your life.” Is that what He is wanting to say?

Or is He waiting to sit beside us, put an arm around our waist, and tell us a story of the thresholds His own son had to step across, at Bethlehem, at the Jordan River, and at Gethsemane? Times when His son also felt something pulling Him forward and something pulling Him back. Times when He also was tentative, unsure and yes, even afraid.

I have had many thresholds in my life and there will no doubt be many more to come. I’m thankful that with each one, regardless of whether they are easy or difficult, God is there to give me the strength to walk across that threshold and experience what lies ahead. I’m not sure that I’m ready to embrace the unknown change for Chris. I do know that I can embrace the truth and hope from my heavenly father when he says in Isaiah 43:19, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

Are you sitting at one of those thresholds, not sure which way you want to go? If so, please say this prayer with me:

Dear Heavenly Father, Please empower me to be strong as I start making the changes that are necessary in my life. Please give me the courage to see that You can do a new thing in my life. I open the desert of my heart so that your healing streams can flow through me. Thank you for giving Your Son as a sacrifice for my sins, that I might not die but have eternal life with You. Fill me with Your love and the power of the Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

©2008, Allison Bottke

Available now from Harvest House Publishers
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
by Allison Bottke
For more information visit: www.SanitySupport.com

As we approach the Passover and Easter season, my thoughts as a mother turn toward another mother from two thousand years ago. A lady who lived in Nazareth, whose name was Mary. This mother stood at the foot of the cross watching her first born son, Jesus Christ, take on the sin of all mankind and take his final breath. Oh how her heart must have broken.

I have often wondered at what moment had she totally yielded her will as a mom over to God? Was it when Jesus was learning to walk and fell, or when he sat in the temple with the scholars, or when he fed five thousand from a few fish and loaves of bread? How she must have wanted to reach him as the crowds spat on him, the guards beat him and then hung him on a cross.

Through the years as she watched Jesus grow up and become independent from her care, did she have to continually remind herself that God is in control and that it’s only when she let go and let God handle things that true healing and hope can come from the ashes of despair?

The mistake many of us make in hanging on tightly to the reins of our lives – or the lives of others. True growth requires letting go.

True healing begins when we make the head-heart connection that we must “let go and let God” concerning all things, not just painful situations concerning our adult children. This kind of surrender doesn’t mean we are giving up, that we no longer care what happens to our adult children. On the contrary, it means we relinquish their care to a far greater and infinitely more powerful Caregiver. It means at last that we have come to the end of our own selfishness and can now see the possibilities available when we step out of the way of spiritual progress.

When the “letting go” part has been accomplished in our hearts and the “letting God” part becomes the focus of our lives, something amazing begins to happen: we feel free. We may not even realize how binding a prison our fears concerning our adult children had become until those fears are gone.

Yielding everything to God, total surrender, is something we must do daily. We open our hands and release those we love to Him.

Yielding to God may be something you do well – time and time again – and then if you are like most of us, you just as quickly “unyield” without even realizing.

Mary could have protected Jesus. She could have forbid him to go to the garden of Gethsemane… but she knew he had to fulfill his own destiny. We have to let our children experience pain and suffering to let them become the people God wants them to be – sometimes we have to let them choose their own course.

©2008, Allison Bottke

Available now from Harvest House Publishers:
“Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children -
Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents”
by Allison Bottke.

For more information visit: www.SanitySupport.com

Want to win a copy? We’re giving one away this month!
Visit our Book Draw to enter

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. A day filled with laughter and love. It’s a day when starry-eyed lovers gaze deeply into each other’s soul. It’s a day, or maybe a memory, when youngsters make big red construction paper hearts covered in glitter and can’t wait to take them to their mothers after school. A day with Cupids, and candy, and….wait, Allison, it’s time for a reality check.

Reality…I remember when my son, Christopher, was in elementary school and would make those construction paper hearts with a sweet message and his name scrawled in big letters inside. I still have one nestled in tissue paper in my memory box, close to the cotton-ball Santa Claus fashioned on a paper towel roll. Now, 30+ years later, he is locked behind cold steel bars awaiting trial. It may be years before I can wrap him in a loving embrace. Valentine’s Day doesn’t hold the same sweet, warm feelings that it once did.

I’m sure there are other moms reading this column who can relate to this—moms who have an adult child who may be breaking their heart rather than filling it with warm fuzzy feelings. But Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a day we would just rather move beyond. It doesn’t have to be a reminder of what once was and what might never be again.

Although the choices our adult children make may break our heart – the fact is that God’s love is healing. This may sound amazingly simple—and in fact it is. Simple yet oh so difficult to grasp at times. When we make the decision to stop living their life of drama and hand our adult child over to God and allow him to begin healing our own broken heart, this is when real hope and healing can begin – for us as parents as well as perhaps for the adult child as well.

It’s easy for us to fall into habits that are controlled by our sinful, worldly nature. Habits such as dwelling on the sadness, thinking about all of the “what if I had done this,” or “if only I had done that” feelings. What purpose does dwelling on the negative stuff of life serve? Don’t we have a choice how we think? Is someone else inside our brain making us think, feel, or behave a way contrary to what we’d like?

Not likely.

The sub-title for the God Allows U-Turns book series is this: “The choices we make change the story of our life.” Another amazingly simple concept—and yet all too often ignored.

Take heed, dear reader, we do have choices. Lots of them. We have a choice how we will respond to situations and circumstances and yes, even to holidays. We have a choice to walk the talk of a Christian—to make our faith more than a Sunday sermon or a passage from Scripture. We have a choice to see that proverbial glass as half full—not half empty. We have a choice who we will serve…God or the never-ending list of reasons and excuses for why our life is such a mess.

God loves us. He loves us so much that he gave his only son to die for us on the cross at Calvary. He is in control and he has a plan for our life and for the life of everyone we love.

This Valentines Day I can choose to make everyone around me miserable because my heart aches for my son. Or, I can choose to walk in the light of the Lord who loves me just as I am—who loves me in spite of who I am—and who loves me because of who I am.

Yes, my only son is in jail. Yes, this breaks my heart. However, I have a choice to make. Will I dwell on the pain? Will I cast a shadow of remorse on everyone around me—sharing my anguish so everyone in my sphere can feel the pain? It’s my choice.

Yes, my only son is in jail. Is it mere happenstance that this is also the month my newest book releases—my book on setting boundaries with adult children? As a baby boomer mother, grandmother, friend, and wife—I pray daily to better understand how vital my choices are not only to my own happiness but to the happiness of those around me. How am I choosing to live?

Along with having a son in jail, I also have dear friends and family who care about me. I have business success on the horizon that I have dreamed about for years. I have a loving God who continues to open doors as I remain focused on him. I have a faith that grows stronger with every day. And I have a loving husband at home who will do his best to make this Valentines Day a special day. And, I fully intend to let him. It’s my choice.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
- Romans 12:18 (NIV)

©2008, Allison Bottke

Releasing in February from Harvest House Publishers: Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children -
Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
by Allison Bottke.
For more information visit: www.SanitySupport.com

At this time of year, we often pause to reflect on the past and speculate on the future. I was doing just that recently as I was pondering the theme for my entire Boomer Babes Rock outreach, a ministry that includes books, speaking, a web site, blog, and this CWO monthly column. I was thinking and praying about the coming year and in doing so I kept being drawn to the theme of Freedom.

I reviewed my past CWO columns and I found this paragraph that I’d written for the April 2007 CWO column:

“At a time in life when we [boomer babes] should be experiencing the empty nest, rediscovering our spouse, taking new adventures, and pursuing the dreams of our heart—many of us find ourselves in painful bondage to dysfunctional adult children whose choices include drugs, alcohol, gambling, crime, financial ruin, and a host of other negative circumstances too heinous to mention.”

Right then I decided that 2008 should be a year of freedom from bondage and freedom to be all God intends us to be.

Maybe you don’t have dysfunctional adult children, yet, you still find yourself being bound to something, or someone, that controls you. Maybe it’s negative self-talk, financial problems, or discouragement that you will never reach your dreams.

As CWO sisters-in-Christ, freedom means first and foremost what Jesus Christ did for us when he went to the cross. When we confessed our sin, asking Jesus to live in our heart, we experienced the greatest freedom of all—the freedom of forgiveness. The freedom that comes from the unconditional love the Lord bestows upon us.

Yet I know that for many of us that ultimate freedom is often overshadowed by worldly things that keep us in bondage. We all have our crosses to bear. For me, that particular cross is often the pain and heartache I experience as a mother. Many of you know from reading my past CWO columns or my Saturday postings on the Boomer Babes Rock Blog, that I have an adult child who is an addict—an adult child I enabled for years. My son is currently in jail in Minnesota awaiting trial. He could be sent to a state penitentiary for a very long time.

Over the years I have had to learn the difficult lessons of defining my boundaries as they relate to my son. It’s been a long, difficult and painful journey. Yet I’ve managed to find freedom. I share that journey in my newest book releasing in February from Harvest House Publishers. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children – Six Steps to Hope and Healing is the cry of a mother’s heart.

I believe freedom starts in our heart. First, we must believe there is hope for freedom. The Bible says, “…Christ in us, the hope of glory.” Yet, so often we forget that we have that hope and we listen to everything except our hearts.

Here’s an example I once heard: Think about freedom and all it takes as God being placed in the center of a box. When we choose freedom, we enter this box to be close to God. Then to fully grasp freedom, we must walk toward the center—closer to God. The problem is that most people are afraid, or more willing, to stand as close as possible to the sides of the box. There pressed against the sides, we can hear the outside voices – doubt, discouragement, negative thinking, etc. If instead, we would take just a few steps forward toward the center of the box—toward God—we would hear the voice of encouragement, positive direction, focus, and FREEDOM!

For enabling parents like me, it’s focusing everything on the needs of our dysfunctional adult children—getting caught up in their crisis lifestyle, bad habits, etc. For others, it’s staying with a job they hate. Or for some, it’s an addiction to something. The key to true freedom isn’t so much focusing on the problem but on the solution—and that starts with trusting in God enough to let him do what he does best—bringing hope and healing—doing miraculous things. The key to freedom is walking closer to the center of the box where God is standing.

You might be thinking, “Allison, it’s just not that easy. I’ve tried to break free from XXX for years and it just doesn’t work. I’m still in the middle of a mess.”

I know what you mean. I know what that’s like. I still want to rush to my son’s side and bail him out of the trouble he’s in. He’s 36-years-old yet I still want to protect him. But who am I to play God? Could it be that God, in his infinite wisdom, has a far grander plan in store for my son’s life as a result of this journey he is now walking? I pray often for freedom from self blame and condemnation, guilt, anguish and heartache. I struggle against clinging to the sides of the box.

I want to accept the challenge for total freedom in 2008. It’s actually something that I do daily as I face the reality that it may be years before I see my son as a free man. I struggled with wanting to move toward the sides of box during the holidays thinking if only I had done this or that, or such and such. However, I truly believe that my son being in jail is just where God wants him for now. I’ve found freedom because I believe God will do a work through him and through this situation. I must move closer toward the center of the box where God is standing, and not remain glued to the sides where the pain from the past keeps me prisoner.

I want to challenge my CWO readers to make 2008 a year of freedom from past mistakes, past choices, past drama. I want us to make 2008 a year of Setting Boundaries not only with Adult Children but also for all areas of our lives.

Are you ready for freedom in your life? Will you take this journey with me? Then stick around. Together we’ll walk toward the center of that box—toward encouragement, positive direction, and love—toward God in all of His glory. During the next 12 months, I’ll be sharing with you how together we can learn to set those boundaries that allow freedom to grow in our hearts.

This year, I’m hoping that “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” will be just that…a dream. I hope to awaken on Christmas morning to sunshine, green grass and temperatures considerably above the freezing mark. I’m looking forward to my first Christmas in our new home deep in the heart of Texas. For the first year in more than a decade, we won’t be in the frozen tundra of Minnesota for the holidays. While some folks make plans to travel to the snow regions, not me—at least not this year. This year I’m already planning where to park my lawn chair as we enjoy the warm sunshine on Christmas afternoon.

Christmas 2007 will mark the beginning of new traditions for my household. Kevin and I will be in Texas with some of his family nearby. Most of our children will be in Minnesota, freezing—poor dears, and starting new traditions of their own. Yes, we will miss them terribly, but this is a new season in our lives and we are praying for joyful hearts in spite of not having our children and grandchildren nearby.

I’m sure there are many boomer babes who will also find themselves in a new place this Christmas. A new place LITERALLY, as in geographically, a new place FIGURATIVELY, as in empty nesting for the first time, or perhaps even as a divorced or widowed woman for the first time or maybe as a retired person for the first time. Whatever the change in our life journey, we can rest assured that God will remain the same; yesterday, today and always.

I’m looking forward to finding new ways to make new Christmas memories. I hope you are too. Sure, it means some very dear traditions will become cherished memories in our hearts, yet, the new memories to come might just be the best ones yet.

May God bless and keep you and yours this Christmas season and always.

My friend Michelle says, “Every test is a testimony and every mess is a ministry.”

If indeed that is true, many of my fellow Boomer Babes have as many testimonies and ministries as we have grey hairs!

During this season of Thanksgiving, there will be no dearth of articles popping up in virtually every print and online publication discussing the topic of “giving thanks.” We’ll be encouraged to give thanks for the many blessings we’ve received…thanks for all the good things we’ve been given. However, I’d like to pose a different angle for our thanksgiving this season.

Let’s give thanks for our pain and our troubles.

Let’s give thanks for the anguish that has sharpened our senses and made us more sensitive to the pain of others.

Let’s give thanks for the years of trial and tribulation that have softened the rough edges of our heart, bringing us wisdom and knowledge and the life-changing realization that God is in control.

Let’s give thanks for the tests that have given us amazing testimonies and the messes that have opened the doors for life-transforming ministries. For it is through the tests and messes, through the troubles of life we come to understand the true meaning of God’s love and restoration.

Scripture says in Psalm 71:20-21,

20. Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

21. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Ah…comfort! The blessed assurance that comfort will once again wrap itself around us like grandma’s hand crocheted blanket, enveloping us in all that is warm and safe and familiar.

Okay, lest you think someone has kidnapped “the real Allison,” let me stop waxing poetic and say for the record that I find it really hard to give thanks for the messes that frequently spill over into my life. It’s difficult to give thanks when the tests break your heart—making it hard sometimes to even breathe. Yet as Christians we are called to a higher level of understanding why some things happen in our life.

It’s about gaining wisdom and knowledge. God wants us not only to wake up and smell the Starbucks, but to learn from our mistakes—to gain wisdom, knowledge and insight from our life journey. Doesn’t it make sense then, to extend thanksgiving to God for the journey he has allowed us to live? No matter how difficult? No matter how painful?
I love what Scripture says in Proverbs 2:1-11

1. My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you,

2. turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,

3. and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,

4. and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,

5. then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.

6. For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

7. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,

8. for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.

9. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path.

10. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.

11. Discretion will protect you,and understanding will guard you.

Wow. Doesn’t that make you want to do the right thing? Live a good life? Walk the talk? Sure it does. But that’s easier said than done. Living a life that is pleasing to God is important to me—I know it’s important to you, too. But I continually fall by the wayside and often my good intentions become not-so-good contentions. That’s what having an inherent sinful nature is all about…the inner struggle to do the right thing—in spite of the pain and anguish.

That’s why I’ve chosen to spend this thanksgiving season as a time to look at all of my tests and messes, and instead of throwing a pity-party or getting depressed or angry…to give God the glory and thanks for allowing me to experience the pain. For without the pain I would not be where I am today. Without traveling the roads that often brought me to my knees in desperation and exhaustion, I would not have the strength of courage to go another mile—and another—and another.

Dear Boomer Babe Sisters, please join me this season by pulling back the dark ugly curtain that has been covering the tests and messes of life we’d just as soon forget. Haul out the dusty boxes in the attic of our mind that are hiding all the garbage of our past mistakes and give God thanks for the experiences—no matter how painful. Focusing not on the anguish—but on the wisdom we have gained as a result of the journey.

Scripture says in John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I’m not a theologian—nor am I a learned Bible teacher. I’m just a Boomer Babe striving to make sense of my life in this world—like you. I’d like to think the older I get the wiser I do get, and yet times of trial and tribulation are still difficult to understand and process. I don’t have the answers—but I know who does. I’m just thankful that through it all, one thing remains the same, Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and for ever. On that I can rest.

And because of that knowledge—because I trust that God is indeed in control, that he holds me in the palm of his hand, I choose this season to thank him for the journey—to thank him for the pain. To thank him for the tests that have given me a testimony and the messes that have given me a ministry. I invite you to join me.