1 I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.
2 Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
3 Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
4 One generation commends your works to another;
they tell of your mighty acts.
5 They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
6 They tell of the power of your awesome works—
and I will proclaim your great deeds. Psalm 145:1-6 (emphasis mine)
Today has been one of those days. One of those all around grumpy days when nothing feels quite right, and even the thought of getting out of bed feels like far too much work. I have been battling illness. AGAIN! And I have a throbbing pain in my back. I have been dealing with some Mama heartache from a situation with one of my kids, and have far too much to do. Even worse than these is the constant battle I face to keep my attitude positive in these constant difficulties. Some days I feel like the best I have to give is not enough, and I just can’t do it. Yes, today was one of those days, the kind where I just want to throw a fit and yell, “I quit!” I, I, I, I…
“I” is such a small word, but it can get us into so much trouble! “I” stands tall and proud, almost defiant, ready to face the world. “I” says I can do this myself, and I have everything I need to be successful. “I” thinks she is strong, “I” thinks she has wisdom, and “I” either has it all together, or is thoroughly enjoying wallowing in self-pity when she doesn’t. Today was definitely an “I” kind of day.
The problem with “I” is that underneath the mirage of independence and strength is overwhelming insecurity, bred from focusing on herself, on her problems and who she is, walking the journey God has set out with wandering eyes. Sometimes “I” looks back at who she was and all she has done and is overcome by shame. How can she continue on with such a burden to carry? It is far too much to bear! Other times, she looks to the right and to the left. She catches a glimpse of the ditch she had been in and is overcome by fear thinking, “I know I will end up falling there again. I always do…” Much of the time, “I” can be so focused on herself that she misses the beauty of who God is and who He is creating her to be.
Our Father desires other things for our journey with Him! He knows that we are dust. He knows that apart from Him we are nothing and so He calls us to fix our “I’s” on the One who is perfect and on the One who will guide the way. It is not through my own wisdom or through my own strength that I will find my way in this sometimes frustrating and tiring world. I will have days where I am tempted to keep my eyes on my problems, but even in the middle of those “I” focused days, my heart is crying out for Jesus. It is only through my sweet Jesus, who loves me not for who I am or for anything I have done that I can walk the journey God has laid out before me. It is only by following my Lord, who endured the cross for me, that I can be free. Free to focus my “I’s”on Him and free to love Him, because He loves me.
“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)