After Every Wedding
Comes a Marriage
(Harvest House, 1997)
By Florence & Fred Littauer

I love this book! It’s one of the best books on marriage I’ve ever read–and I’ve collected a whole bookshelf in my 12 years of marriage. I’m definitely not the expert, but Florence Littauer is. She’s spent her life teaching passionately about the four personality types: Popular Sanguine, Powerful Choleric, Perfect Melancholy, and Peaceful Phlegmatic.

Do you know your personality type? Or your husband’s? Learning about the personalities will transform your marriage, and the book contains a profile that will help you identify your type, as well as the strengths and weaknesses, which all apply to communication in marriage.

In a candid and humorous way, Littauer tells the story of her wedding, which was so glamorous that Life Magazine captured it on film. But after the honeymoon, her marriage was filled with problems–until the couple became committed to Christ, realizing that happiness in marriage starts with me, not you. This book would make a wonderful women’s Bible study, and tapes of Littauer’s teaching can be purchased to complement the reading.

From the gifts to the décor to the food to the mood, the pressure of holiday hospitality can be nerve-wracking. The expectations and obstacles can be enough to make us want to lock our doors and shut the front porch light off for good. We worry about our furniture, our housekeeping, our holiday decorations, our cooking, and all the flaws that keep us from feeling like our home is ready to welcome guests.

Even grand plans for holiday entertaining often fall apart somewhere along the way between our visit to Starbucks for a triple Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha and our fifteenth trip to the mall! Flat tires, burnt roasts, head colds, plumbing disasters and the aroma of dead rodents wafting through the air as your guests arrive can nearly ruin your mood for a holiday party! Trust me, I’ve seen all these things. Life happens, and it isn’t usually in our plans.

So should we start panicking or pull the blinds and pretend no one is home? Before you say “YES!” let me share with you some simple and foolproof things anyone can do to create a beautiful and memorable gathering, even at the eleventh hour.

Ambience is one of the secrets to a warm and welcoming home. It tells your guests you care about them and thought of their enjoyment as you prepared your home for their arrival. Simple ambience will help distract from a multitude of flaws and shortcomings so you can focus on what hospitality is all about, serving others. By doing just 10 simple things before opening your doors for a party, you can create a welcoming and festive mood no matter what other obstacles stand in your way!

1. Sweep your front walk and porch and make sure you have a clean doormat outside the door for guests to wipe their feet.
2. Turn on your outdoor lights. If your walkway is poorly lit, here is a simple idea to light the way to your party in simple but festive style. Fill Mason jars about ¼ full with Epsom salts and add votive candles. Line your walkway and/or front porch with these little candles and your guests will feel they are walking into a warm and inviting place.
3. Pay special attention to your entryway. First impressions of your home will go a long way to making your guests feel comfortable. Have a candle to scent the air (I usually light mine for two hours in the afternoon, then I blow it out to let the wax cool for about an hour, and then re-light it about 20 minutes before the party. This trick ensures your house will smell wonderful and will allow you to keep the candle burning for the duration of your party without your wick drowning in wax.). Be sure to put away clutter and shoes, have a clean mat inside to wipe feet, and prepare a place in a closet or bedroom for guests’ coats.
4. Have an inviting and sparkling clean powder room stocked with clean hand towels, extra toilet paper, empty wastebasket and a good smelling candle ready to light before guests arrive. Make sure the candle is in a safe place away from little hands and fire hazards.
5. Have soft music to play during your party–not so loud that people can’t talk without shouting but loud enough to add a festive feeling to the atmosphere. Instrumental usually works best for background music. Pick something soothing, yet not so mellow that it will put your guests to sleep. Lightly upbeat will keep the mood right.
6. Have plenty of places for your guests to sit, with extra chairs or footstools to pull up to conversation areas, and places for them to set their drinks near the seating areas. Setting out bowls of nuts or snacks can give guests something to nibble on before the main meal is served.
7. Turn off the TV!
8. Turn on all the lights in the house, including hallways and stairwells. This is no time to worry about saving electricity. A poorly lit home feels unwelcoming and depressing and makes your home look dowdy. You can dim lights if you have dimmers, but make sure that the house feels cozy and welcoming with no dark and dreary corners.
9. Have beverages ready to serve as guests arrive, including pitchers of ice water. Hot-spiced cider steaming on the stove always makes a house smell wonderful and is a festive beverage to offer guests when they first arrive. Here is the recipe I use:Hot Spiced Cranberry Cider
   8 cups apple cider
   8 cups cranberry juice
   2 tablespoons brown sugar
   4 cinnamon sticks
   8 whole allspice
   8 whole cloves
   1 orange, quartered

   Combine apple cider and cranberry juice. Stir in brown sugar, add cinnamon sticks, allspice, cloves and orange. Heat in a large kettle to just below boiling point, reduce heat to simmering. Strain and serve hot.

10. Let guests know not only when to arrive, but when the food will be served so they know what to expect and can plan accordingly.

Now you can open the door with a smile and say, “Come on in!” knowing your guests will have a delightful time in your home, in spite of the inevitable disaster or two!

1 Peter 4:9-10 “Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully, administering God’s grace in its various forms.”

©2007, Melissa Michaels
Photo credit, Melissa Michaels

Join me as I chat with fellow CWO columnist and renown author, Allison Bottke, about her newest novel, One Little Secret.

Allison heads up God Allows U-Turns, an international outreach that includes books, tracts, logo merchandise, a line of greeting cards, a speaking ministry, and a foundation. The cornerstone of God Allows U-Turns is an inspirational book series many are calling “the next Chicken Soup.” The God Allows U-Turns book series is available around the world with over a dozen books in the U-Turns “brand” currently available for adults, kids and youth.

Allison’s first novel in the “hip-lit” genre, “A Stitch in Time” premiered in 2006, as well as a new non-fiction book, “I Can’t Do It All,” based on the lies women believe being co-written with Tracie Peterson and Dianne O’Brian. Her second novel, One Little Secret, was released in August 2007. With her move to fiction, Allison has defined the genre of “Contemporary women’s fiction-with-an-attitude!” Her next non-fiction book will be “Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children,” releasing in 2008. Allison speaks and teaches at conferences and writer’s events around the country, often attending as an Acquisitions Editor for books in the God Allows U-Turns true short story compilation book series.

Love what you’re doing and think you look amazingly beautiful! ‘Full House’ would still be considered as one of my favorite shows! They just don’t make them like that anymore–good clean fun!

I checked out your website and was reading this question and answer column when I came across the answer to your secret for keeping fit! First time I’m hearing of Pilates (strange pronunciation to boot!) I looked it up on Wikipedia, and found it grouped with Yoga. There are a lot of things said against doing Yoga, so I was wondering whether Pilates would fall into the same group. What are your thoughts on Yoga too?

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Great question! I tried Yoga on and off about 9 and 10 years ago, but always felt uncomfortable with the “meditation.” I loved holding the positions as they strengthen your body immensely, but could never put my finger on the thing I didn’t like about it. Over the years, I too have read several articles on Yoga and the spiritual dangers of it. I’ve stayed away from it–although I’m not saying it’s a ’sin’ to do it. It’s just my preference. Pilates on the other hand does not fit into the same category. It is not about meditation and contacting your inner self. It is strictly moves on either a mat, a reformer, a chair or tower that all work to strengthen your core; resulting in long, lean muscles. It’s amazing and the best workout I’ve ever done. The breathing is important only so your core is working properly; not for spiritual reasons.

Try it! I’m sure you’ll love it too.

This year, I’m hoping that “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” will be just that…a dream. I hope to awaken on Christmas morning to sunshine, green grass and temperatures considerably above the freezing mark. I’m looking forward to my first Christmas in our new home deep in the heart of Texas. For the first year in more than a decade, we won’t be in the frozen tundra of Minnesota for the holidays. While some folks make plans to travel to the snow regions, not me—at least not this year. This year I’m already planning where to park my lawn chair as we enjoy the warm sunshine on Christmas afternoon.

Christmas 2007 will mark the beginning of new traditions for my household. Kevin and I will be in Texas with some of his family nearby. Most of our children will be in Minnesota, freezing—poor dears, and starting new traditions of their own. Yes, we will miss them terribly, but this is a new season in our lives and we are praying for joyful hearts in spite of not having our children and grandchildren nearby.

I’m sure there are many boomer babes who will also find themselves in a new place this Christmas. A new place LITERALLY, as in geographically, a new place FIGURATIVELY, as in empty nesting for the first time, or perhaps even as a divorced or widowed woman for the first time or maybe as a retired person for the first time. Whatever the change in our life journey, we can rest assured that God will remain the same; yesterday, today and always.

I’m looking forward to finding new ways to make new Christmas memories. I hope you are too. Sure, it means some very dear traditions will become cherished memories in our hearts, yet, the new memories to come might just be the best ones yet.

May God bless and keep you and yours this Christmas season and always.

I really enjoy reading your advice column at CWO. What a wonderful resource. Thank you for being the God-centered, Christ-loving woman that you are! 

I too, am a mother of 3 young children. Between Bible study, homeschooling and caring for my home and husband, I struggle to find the time to exercise and eat properly.  I  wondered what your secret was to being so slim and healthy?

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My secret to staying slim and healthy is (drum roll please!)…eating well and staying active.

OK, I know that was a pretty simple answer, but it’s the truth. Over years of being on a weight roller coaster, I finally got to the point where I wanted to stay fit and feel good ALL the time. I always feel healthier and prettier when my weight is lower, and of course my clothes fit better. I had to change my eating habits and lifestyle once and for all. Luckily, my husband was 100% on board and was probably the biggest encourager to our family in this area. So, eating habits changed not only for me, but for my children and my husband.

As I’ve said here before, consult your doctor before choosing any diet or fitness routine, then consider what’s best. For me, the key has been eating fresh, healthy foods and not over eating. I’d prefer to eat more of the yummy foods I enjoy in smaller quantities, rather than eating large portions of ONLY healthy foods that I don’t really enjoy. For me, eating is about the taste and not the quantity. A lot of woman I know are just the opposite, where quantity is important, rather than quality. You have to figure out what is important to you and get into a new way of eating from there.

Include your whole family. If you just try to diet on your own, it’s not going to last for very long. If you change your whole family’s eating habits and fitness/sport routine, you’ll have a better chance at sticking to it.

I take pilates about 3 times a week as well as play tennis, and I walk about 1 1/2 miles every day (around my neighborhood). The kids either walk with me or ride their bikes. This turns into family time not only to share and laugh, but also exercise. (When the kids whine about walking the circle… telling them “no desert” usually quiets them up pretty fast.) And FYI… desert is usually fresh fruit. They have ice cream or something sugary sweet once or twice a week. (And we keep that to a small portion). Trust me, this makes the once a month trip to Cold Stones–for whatever they want–all the better!

Ultimately, I had to give my “food issues” over to God. There are bad habits I’m prone to repeating, but they never make me feel good for long. That’s when I ask myself, “Is food or God more important to me?” This usually stops my bad habits as well.

I hope this helps and encourages you.

I have read some of your advice articles at CWO and was wondering if you could share some of your insights regarding my situation.

I truly embraced my heart for the Lord around age 23. I started going to an evangelical church and was surrounded by some of the most genuine people I have ever met. I met my husband there and we were constantly serving at the church or spending time in small group or worshipping. Just before we were married in 2004, we moved for work and were excited to attend my husband’s former–much larger church.

From the moment I set foot in that church, my spiritual life and my fire for the Lord started to decline. My husband had been in a relationship years before when he was in OH and still had many friends who were members of the church.

One couple was very welcoming to me, and I actually lived with them before my husband and I were married. The other people, however, were nothing but cruel, even though my husband considered them great friends at the time. Several of them tried to break up our wedding, which of course they did not succeed in doing, but they did succeed in causing a rift between both my husband and I and myself and the church.

I was only about a year into the Christian faith, when all of a sudden people at church–a people that are supposed to welcome you with open arms–were trying to stab me in the back. After a rough first 9 months of marriage, we received a letter stating that yes, they were indeed trying to break us up because it was more convenient for their lives if my husband was back together with his ex girlfriend, because they knew her and just wanted things to be the way they were before.

I am pregnant with our frist child to be born this summer. I want more than anything to raise our child in a Christian home, knowing the love of God and being able to see that love shared between us and others. I know that it will take a lot of hard work to get back to a place of trust with the Lord and other Christians, but I do not know where to start.

I try to read my Bible and cannot seem to focus on it. I used to lead worship, but cannot bring myself to pick up my guitar. I used to love to hear teachings by my husband in small group, but find myself cutting him off whenever he goes on a “religious tirade” now. I was just wondering if you had any advice on HOW to forgive these people. I know that my heart will always be guarded and closed until I forgive them, but I see their actions as purposely evil and knowing that they are not the least bit sorry for the pain and hurt they caused me makes it very difficult to even think about forgiving them and moving on with my life.

Thank you very much for your time in reading this. I don’t expect you to have all of the answers, but any new insights into how to regain my fire for the Lord would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I have exhausted every avenue I can think of and do not want the rest of my marriage or my child’s life to be without God as the center. 

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Thank you for writing to me and being so honest in your email.

It sounds like you were in a very difficult situation and yet I can see God’s hand in bringing you back to MD to start new. Deep wounds are hard to heal; nevertheless, “with God all things are possible!” (Matt. 19:26)

In the past when I thought about people who hurt me, I wanted to cling to my hatred and anger towards them. My flesh wanted them to feel the same pain they caused me. In my heart I knew God wanted me to forgive them. I knew it was the “right” thing to do, but why didn’t it make me feel better? My forgiveness would have only been out of obligation and not from my heart.

It wasn’t until I had a strong relationship with the Lord that I saw clearly. I now understand why forgiveness does make me feel better and why I don’t want to hold on to my bitterness. You won’t be able to forgive until you are seeking God. Only through your relationship with the Lord, will you find true healing.

I think about what God did for me on the cross: His sacrifice for me and the forgiveness He has extended to me. And when I look at the depths of God’s forgiveness, it humbles my heart to tears. I don’t deserve His forgiveness. I’ve failed over and over again in trying to measure up to His standard of the 10 commandments. I have treated my ratty old t-shirt better than God at times. How offensive is that?

Yet, God has mercy on my soul, He loves me no matter what, He promises me eternal life with Him–all of these things that I don’t deserve! Since I gave my life to Him, He’s wiped my slate clean. His forgiveness and renewal is endless. God is so gracious. If God can have that much forgiveness and mercy on me, then why shouldn’t I extend the same forgiveness towards others? Am I better than God? NO! Of course not!

Also, it seems to me that you feel God is to blame in some part of this. That He forsook you. He didn’t. It’s sad when “Christian” people give true believers a bad name. I used to be one of them. I called myself a Christian for years even though I was living in sin. And there are many people out there that simply label themselves Christian because they attend church but are not producing the fruit that true Christians are known to produce. God doesn’t want to see your marriage crumble. He’s not working against you. Don’t believe the lies of the enemy that would have you think otherwise.

I strongly encourage you to start going to church again. You aren’t going to move ahead if you don’t give this over to the Lord, ask Him to forgive you of the anger you hold towards those people, and allow God to deal with their consequences. Also, I’d hope you won’t hang it over your husband’s head that you were right and he was wrong about them. Your husband knows, and you should move on, not allowing any deep seeded bitterness to sprout up from time to time when things are tense. I have a favorite book that helped me see the kind of wife God wants me to be called Created to Be His Help Meet by Debbie Pearl. This would be a wonderful new start for you. It is so important that you and your husband build your marriage on the right foundation–God’s Word. Start with prayer.

Also, please listen to “soundly saved” at www.wayofthemaster.com or buy The Way of The Master book by Ray Comfort. This book, like the Bible is sure to ignite the flame for God.

Blessings to you on your journey.